There's a sudden outburst of regrets circling around my head for a couple of days, months, years. College made me change a lot different from who I was before. I don't know if this is a good thing, but it always makes me buckle into deep thoughts every time I lie down on my bedroom bed or dorm. Sometimes, I carry it around whenever my nerves calm down for a bit and then it haunts me again. If I have to figure out...
People would recognize me as a friendly person, at the same time the most frank one you'll ever meet. High school was the most amazing phase in my life. I made myself believe that I was an "emo" those years, but honestly, hoax. I also met few of the best people in my life on that phase. I rarely think of all the things that I was doing. As long as I'm having fun. I don't care at all. It blinded me from realization and the fact that people and I knew myself as a "frank" one, that made me an excuse to bitch out on people, telling whatever words that comes off my mouth, not contemplating of how it'll take them - their feelings.
It's pretty bad, I really feel the toxicity level of my attitude towards people is on the highest point. Still, I feel ease. My friends accepted me, despite of that rude attitude which I thought was good because of my belief that it's the truth and what my eyes see. It does make a point, but really wrong.
Senior year changed me. I transferred schools, left my long-time friends from my hometown of six years, and resided to a different city (not-so-far-away from the previous), which I'm currently living. At senior year, I studied in a Christian school. My whole life, I've been a loyal Catholic school student. Until now in college. However, for once, I've got to choose for myself.
So Christian school, it surprised me how people are so good and kind. Well, I expected they were like that (prior). That's why I chose it over another Catholic one. I love how I graduated there, it was the best school I've been to. People are so compassionate and dedicated, which motivated me to change for the better.
For a year, I'm a lot different person. I've overcome cursing and being too frank. I never lied, but this point made me realize and reflect. It has taught me to become decent as much as to respect and become aware of my actions. It basically improved myself - to thinking how to properly approach people. Optimism = Happiness.
I left home in college and live most days in a dormitory. I'm apparently studying to a different city, a hideous one. I once liked this part of my country (was born here), but living away from a civilized place to a lesser, made me feel at peace. Anyway, countryside is better than a city in my opinion. Less chaotic and pollution and good people.
I started my freshman year okay . I still met friends, but I wish to get in touch with my high school friends more often. Like we all gather in just one university. Sadly, no. None of them studies from where I do, except some are around the belt. Again, it's sad that we never meet in our uniforms. We're still friends, though we're living away from each other. I believed am happy and believed distance won't change a thing.
Freshman year at my university gradually brought me back to my old-frank-mean-self. I've had friends, suddenly they disappointed me. I felt off from people in here, maybe because it was a whole diverse world. I kept on looking forward to meeting people that I could consider friend/s as much as I consider my high school ones as family. Friends mean family to me. I found my second home through friends. It's too hard to live into a different world, it's too hard that you're alone, adjusting to everything. Especially people. I got sick of everything, I feel breakdown. I feel unhappy. I want my friends, my family back.
Ever since college, since I'm the only one who transferred to a different place, I always miss reunions with friends. It's very seldom when I see them. I feel left out. I even envy my sister, who's on the same page as I am, but the bond between her and her friends makes me jealous.
I know that my friends never forget me. I know I still have that space in their hearts. However, I still feel left out. I feel like the knot is little by little taking its loose. I'm so upset of my situation. I'm so upset of everything about myself. This always gives me anxiety of what ifs.
Feels like being emo is forreal. For the past two years, I always feel upset about friendships and myself. I don't really suck at friendships (maybe), I still have a few college friends. Although, my friends have their friends and people like them better than I am. I don't wanna please anyone, if they don't like me, it's fine. They have their reasons. I may have changed again, instead.
Introvert. I changed for people and myself. Maybe if I should not talk to everyone, it'll make me feel better. Maybe if I spend my time on my own, nothing will disappoint me. I'm still upset.
Feels like all the friendships that I built, I'm always left alone. Maybe there's really something in me that makes people leave. I'm not good at anything, even making relationships last. I always end up as the stupid one feeling upset about everything and mostly myself. I hope trying to distance myself away would work. It does, but it still pains me. I envy people with friends that makes them go round crazy and happy. I want that life back in high school, where I feel the most happiest.
I feel so weird.
No comments:
Post a Comment