Recently on Summer

SUMMER. Just a casual Wednesday afternoon in my room with the A/C on, shut lights (except for my lava lamp), and playing some random indie playlist on Spotify to keep me more cozy. I love the dark ambiance of my room, my hideout - trying to avoid the heat caused by the remains of summer. Though, technically, July is supposed to be rainy season, but duh, global warming. Weather is weird lately.

This week is supposedly my last week of internship, however I decided to ditch it. No, just kidding. What excuse can I provide? I don't know, it's just I felt that my system gone malfunctioning and decided to take more naps and stay at home. Maybe pms, I've been expecting it quite a while and it's really stressing me out. I hate its awful and painful side effects. Geez, that's why I'd rather stay on my bed than finish my internship smoothly.



Last Monday was the enrolment for my first semester of my last year as an undergrad (hopefully). The day went okay, except that my oxfords really killed my feet. It gave the bones at the edge of my feet either bruises or redness that still feels a little sore until now. Even my whole body still feels the post-workout madness. I didn't really hit the gym, just the same post-effect feeling. Well, I've been walking whole day. Oh, I got to see Ted 2 last Monday as well. If you're wondering if I would recommend it, two things:

1. If you like plain comedy, just bored with your life, looking for a good laugh, you might want to see it.
2. If you're heartbroken about a lover or past lover, you might find it amusing grieving with John (Mark Wahlberg) and laughing at the same time. Good for laughs.

I started my internship last week of June, decided to because I feel like I needed to do something and I really need to change what I've been doing the past months I started my summer break. Unlike any other kids, internship or OJT is required by their college degrees, mine does not. Basically, I was an intern at a research company during last year's summer and came back for my second summer this year. At first I didn't want to do another one, I just want to unwind and sleep more often than I used to during my third year in college. It was the toughest so far, and I felt real stress during that period.

Unlike my first summer, I felt more comfortable and used to with my internship. I've known faces and names, how-tos, and learned more things. I've experienced different works like recently phone interview which is one of my fears in life. I'm just awkward and feel so introvert talking to various people, especially one-on-one conversations and through phone! At first it was a nightmare, but then I got used to it. Got to speak with bosses and experienced people hanging up the phone and somehow pissed corporate slaves (copying how my cousin would label herself in the corporate world) too. At first it was stressing because I'm not used to phone conversations, worst is when you you need to convince people. Sucks, but at least it's an achievement. I'm extremely ambivert.

To note, I'd miss my co-workers and co-interns, it has been another hell of experience and it kind of help me get through my crisis - future crisis or post-student crisis or pre-adulthood or 19-year-old crisis. Whatever you call it, I still feel unready of how I would live my life path or life career. Still scares me a little bit, but maybe this is normal. As someone told me, it's okay to try experiencing a lot of things, in that way, we can find what we really needed and what we really wanted to be and how we wanted our lives to be.

Also, I'm few pages done with this book that my cousin recently introduced me about. It's basically a coincidence that before she went to this book signing event of its author who happens to like this band I also like for years, I was discussing a lot about them with my cousin, especially their Jewish vocalist. I think I've liked them since the release of their first record. The author named the lead after the band's vocalist and to be fairly honest, she described him almost the exact way that he is. Did she fancy him during their undergrad years?

Overjoy.

I regret myself from the past, perhaps present is my karma.

There's a sudden outburst of regrets circling around my head for a couple of days, months, years. College made me change a lot different from who I was before. I don't know if this is a good thing, but it always makes me buckle into deep thoughts every time I lie down on my bedroom bed or dorm. Sometimes, I carry it around whenever my nerves calm down for a bit and then it haunts me again. If I have to figure out...

Took me a while to type "Schweinsteiger"

My summer break has officially ended and so the World Cup. Great thanks to Germany for winning this year (2014) and for making the remaining weeks of my summer really worthwhile (still cannot accept Spain's defeat though). Move on.

I'm not really a big fan of football just like some of the folks here, it's been recent since I found myself watching a lot of matches - locally, Asian, European. I believe, 2010 was the peak of my huge football interest; Messi became my favorite player, football was introduced in school (though I'm familiar with it ever since & I like it better than basketball). Also, I started my friendly bets for Germany and Spain during the World Cup 2010. My sister mainly juiced me with infos and I have seldomly watched all the matches. You know, Asian fans problem - time difference. I'm not really familiar with players except Lionel Messi. I first recognized him with Barça and not in Argentina. He's such a fast-legged and so cool. Since then, I barely still watch football on TV not unless my lola or sister do. Yet, school activities made me twined to sports fest wherein I play frisbee and volleyball (which I suck). However, thanks to the internet and I've known Bayern.

"Peace, love, empathy"

I've been a fan of Nirvana ever since I've heard my mum listen to it on walkman and cd player, maybe casette too and other retro music devices.

I wasn't even born when Kurt died. I'm not familiar with the other members' names. I don't know all their albums and EPs. I just felt that there was this eager link between me and their music. 

I believe that calling myself a fan or supporter should be a "know-it-all" system. That's what I call stupidity and stereotyping. It's not a must to know everything, perhaps to know yourself. Liking and loving something or someone must never be societal basis. 

4 am thoughts...

I remember tweeting that I wanted to write something that reaches out. Yeah, I really do. I just don't know how to begin. It's maybe a cliché, but I suddenly felt it travels to my brain for so long now. Maybe I have already begun it, with certain people. Maybe, I already did through social media. Maybe this can be it. I don't know. 

A lot of arguments, contexts, ideas flows to my brain right now. I just want to type. I don't want to contain them to waste. 

It's 4.19 am right now. I always am nocturnal. My brain works well at this type of quiet and moment. I can hear a lot of things, natural or man-made. Sometimes, I hear eerie sounds that makes me treble to my sheet. 

I am coughing at 4.22 am. It sucks to be sick. I am attending a debut tomorrow, saturday. I need to save up energy. I want to sing and play the guitar, but I am scared. I felt not to, thought it wasn't the right time. I quitted. Yet, I wanted to sing something that I really know, and not something that people know. 

I really hate that my throat really hurts right now and then I'm coughing. Good thing my headache wasn't attacking me apparently. I hope not anymore. 

I want to continue reading Eleanor & Park. I'm almost halfway. I'm in so hooked with the story. A bizzare love story for most of you. It's cute.

Summer break

Sophomore year's ending soon, summer break is coming. I really wanna do something productive by summer. Maybe work on that summer bod? Get a summer job? Live healthy? No. Oh, yes. Partly.

I definitely have a 3-month summer break. There's no such excitement more than the fact that I can sleep for longer hours and stay nocturnal. No out of towns, no beaches. Same old shit. However, I sometimes enjoy watching tv and lying on bed for whole day and walking up and down from the stairs inside the house and using the AC. 

My life on summer is plain and boring. There's nothing interesting really. I just hope 2014 will be different. I really want to visit my Lolo Pacoy's province and my favorite one, too. It's in Visayas, surrounded by beaches and resorts and good people. I miss the old legends of our place in Buruanga. I miss my cousins. I miss the beaches and the cold spring of Hurom-Hurom. I've been longing for a lot. 

Anyway, March 28th will prolly be the start of the vacation. Hoping that I can meet 1975 personally and watch them live. 2014 has been a great year so far. Stoked for Mayday Parade! I'm seeig them this weekend, March 8th. 

P.S. Still in love with JCO'CV 

x

Somebody told me

I never took the risk to be in a romantic relationship. I never allowed someone to go beyond friendship. I never went on a "date." Maybe I'm just scared to try to really fall into a commitment.

You wouldn't say that you're okay alone, because everyone had at least one instance that they wanted to be in romance. We all fall in love. We all have our own types and ideals - because we are humans. 

I've fell in love a couple of times. Idk if it's love, but I felt pain inside me. I have a lot of crushes and sometimes I believe in the three-month rule and sometimes not. I had a crush on someone for a short time, but it was a heartbreak. There is someone that I met months ago, and I still like him. 

Just a thought...

No one really understands what the real problem is. Everyone already assumes for conclusion, without even consulting those involved. Why is everyone becoming so narrow-minded?

Everyone blames anyone, just for the sake of pointing out someone to carry the misery - just an assumption of who's who. Please, it is ruthless. 

I hate how the world suddenly shifted. I know life is complicated and that it is fun, but why does it have to be dull all of a sudden for almosy a year?

Is this all a test from the Almighty Father? Am I already using His name in vain? I'm just seeking for right decisions and right answers. I badly need answers. I need to know why and how. 

The dilemma of why and how is hard. 

x

First Times

It's pretty odd that I'm feeling happy and overwhelmingly happy despite all the pessimism surrounding me and that embarrasing moment with James Younghusband & co.

Terribly awkward. I thought that it will never come cross my reality. Awful experience. I just hope he would never remember me or whatever. I just hope he remembers me wearing the UST Futsal name. Though, I will never forget this day. One of my good experiences and good coompany and one of my best days. 

Vote wisely

I want to say something, pero baka nanaman mali ang point ko. So, I'd rather post it here instead.

I saw an article with a title that has been to my attention for so long. I wasn't able to read what it was about, though the title dictates something which is already happening. I was one of those citizens who condemn others because of voting certain people as their officials. Pero, natauhan ako nung may isang beses na narinig ko na wala pala dapat talaga akong karapatang magalit sa kanila. Siguro ang lakas ng loob kong magalit sa mga tinatawag kong "bobo" kasi underage pa ako para bumoto noon at kahit papaano, may ideya ako ng pulitika dito sa Pilipinas. 

Dati lagi akong nagagalit kasi maraming tao sa atin na bumuboto lang ng mga kandidatong sikat, laging nakikita sa TV dahil sa ad, artista, etc. Parang walang katuturan di ba? Marami sa atin ang iniisip na "ay mabait 'to" kasi nabigyan tayo ng groceries o pera o dahil pumupunta sa iskwater's area. Pero, kung ikaw ay isang istudyante ng batas or isang tao na aware about politics, iba naman ang perspective mo. 

New Interior

It's "hell week" for most people, but it's probably the last week of my misery for this semester. I meant, weeks weeks ago were already hell. Though, today marks the start of our Finals week and I'm sick. What a lucky instance for me.

I won't necessary talk about the finals, because I might overact it too much. I just literally hate hell weeks. My purpose is to rant about something else. Perhaps it's not much of a big deal (for me YES), I just feel inconvenience inside our dormitory room. 

I just don't feel the apparent view of our room from my bed: 

   1) The light is directed to my eyes, wherein I hate the lights so much while sleeping. Yet, my cousin always stay late and often uses the light. Shit.

   2) I have no power socket near my bed. I have this extension to plug my electrical devices, but the wire won't even make it to the nearest socket, especially I charge my phone while or before sleeping. Ugh. 

   3) How can I turn on the airconditioning unit? I still have to go to the upper deck of this bed just to fucking turn it on or turn it off. What if I just woke up? (The switch is also hard to turn - it needs strength) 

   4) The bed covers the windows. 

   5) I still need to walk a bit to the cabinet. Hey, when I'm getting/putting stuff in my cabinet, I always put them all on my bed (first), usually when I'm about to bath. It's too uncomfortable for me to lower my head, often times I feel nauseous or dizzy or even headache. 

   6) I can't disagree. 

So those give me discomfort. I can't decide whether to accept this new look because I'm totally hating it. I just feel so inconvenient with whatever move I will make. I want the old view back. Shit, just shit. I don't want to move around too much. It feels so dizzy and the fact that my head, breathing, and throat are suffering from illness. Ughhhhhh. 

Post-birthday

Yesterday was just almost an hour ago. Yesterday was my 18th birthday. It was tragic. So to wrap it up, I'm posting this post-birthday entry.

It wasn't literally tragic, though. I was just being so exaggerated. What I meant "tragic", is that I turned 18 - which means the cliff of my teenage lifestyle. I can barely say I'm a teenager, well sorta. I lost a lot of privileges; I can be jailed anytime. I must be more reasonable. I must be independent. I must act lady-like. I must be more responsible. I must improve my grammar. And so on and so on...

Practically, I can say that doing those is bullshit. I don't need to please the public or anyone, but myself. However, misfit occurs at most points. And yet, the society is too extreme to judge you, even your family (sometimes). 

I hate the fact that I am not being myself (which I was used to) right now. I'm feeling that my life is a joke. Like I'm a puppet who can't do anything, but follow her puppeteers. I feel like I lost my freedom. I'm not a free spirit anymore, who can reject things without being accused or judged or loathed. I wanna be a kid forever. I wanna be naive! I hate turning 18 and what they call the "perks" of being 18. What are those? I don't feel them. I'm not happy. 

I just wanna be free. Like what I like. Be who I wanna be. I think that would be the best gift I can have. 

Anyway, happy birthday to me. As my friend said, I'm another year closer to death.

---

Wishlist:

  To get noticed by Eric Halvorsen, Nick Santino, Jack Barakat, Sam Pepper, Caspar Lee, Jack & Finn Harries, Dan Howell ❤ 

Hell week, gloomy weather, full of procrastination

It's exams week! I'm lying on bed, typing this. My TV is on, I'm not even watching. I guess the channel is ETC. My laptop is on, as well. Waiting for other people to notice me and tweet me in exchange of votes. 

Lol, yes votes. Votes that constantly makes me more miserable of probably not seeing my all-time favorite band. Actually, I'm turning 18 this month. It's so usual to have the "debut" thing when you turn eighteen in this country, in a Filipino family. Idk why it should be so special. So what if I turn 18? What's good about going legal and aging for another year? I don't know if cyber bullying would jail me, maybe yes. Shouting "May bomba!!!" (jokingly in public) might not mean a joke, but imprisonment. There are a lot of things that I hate about turning 18. It's like a curse; you must not be naive anymore. 

Annoyed

Irritation really catch me so well. I get so annoyed easily. Sometimes I'm too showy, but most of the times I keep it though. However, my irritation gets to the point that I tend to easily judge people also. I hate that. I just realized that when I was condemning my classmate for not wearing his uniform.

Firstly, Everyone from my class and one of my professors always notice him wearing the same thing - his previous program's jacket. Everyday he has a different top, not the white polo. Secondly, he kept on reasoning that his uniforms are still in the tailoring shop, and it has been a couple of weeks already. 

This must not be my problem though, but I'm using this as an example of how irritation made me so judgmental about other people. That classmate, when I asked him days ago said that his uniforms are still undone and that he is just borrowing from another classmate of mine for a specific subject that always caught him without proper uniform. From there I understood that I have already said a lot of bad perspectives about him. I thought he was like this and like that and like he don't really want to be in our class. BUT I AM WRONG. 

PS. Ask before you say something unsure and without proper basis. Talk to the person, allow him to explain. Be openminded! 

'Special'

Just a quick post.

I can't really sleep!!! Ugh, I'm getting up at 5 a.m. later and it's 1.38 a.m. I feel like I'm having insomnia or what, but seriously I need to sleep. 

I'm not going to rant. However, I just revealed a secret on Twitter. What I've tweeted concerns something about my personal faith. I believe in God, but I don't follow my religion's beliefs. I don't usually pray. Though I repeatedly utter the same prayers every subject I'm having everyday (the fact I'm in a Catholic university). I pray whenever I feel like I am worthy to talk to God. I have the highest respect to Him and that includes how and when will I pray, just like the intake of host. Catholics taught me not to take the 'body of Christ' when you feel that you're not worthy to receive it. 

I feel like not praying daily isn't a sin at all. I think praying without sincere intentions will void my prayers, which I don't like. I just have this feeling that a prayer is a privilege, and that it should be really SPECIAL. 

I'm always thankful to the Lord. Even though I might not say it through prayer, but in my heart I am. 

Sometimes I wish for death

Okay, it's always been part of learning, part of growing up, part of etc etc etc...

I'm sick of this life!!! I feel so humiliated by myself greatly. Definitely people already sees me as that stupid girl who doesn't know anything. Well, I accept this as a consequence. Though, I don't know how can I accept my family's torn faces if I fail at this.

I'm basically taking up a dayum pre-law course (Alumni from it are expected to take up law as a profession) and now on my second year in the university. My first choice was engineering, but failing multiple times during entrance exams, I gave up. 

The only degree program or course on my mind, when I was in the peak of choosing where to go, was engineering. Nothing else comes to my mind. 

July 6, 2013

It was a not-so-ordinary day for me yesterday. Well, because having regular Saturday classes is not usual, and sometimes I have a whole week one. Sophomore year in university is hectic!

What about yesterday? It is not about that "classes thing," but something else. I can still remember my Lolo Pacoy. Who would forget him? He was the perfect father and grandfather. He is actually my favorite person amongst all of the people around me. I might find more favorites, yet he is the greatest. I love my lolo so much. 

**June 18, 2008 was the worst birthday for my mother and the worst day for us. My lolo was admitted to the hospital until his last breath on 6th of July the same year.**

I don't have any talent

I am jealous of most kids having cool talents (drawing, painting, sketching, dancing, singing, academics, etc.) especially in arts. I am not a typical gifted person who is good almost on all kinds of art. I do not know why am I not talented as others, too. I have tried a lot of things, but did not work well for me.

For so long, I believed that no one is talentless or does not excel in a certain thing. Howbeit, reality pulls me out of that belief. Yep, talent lived within me once; when I was younger. Most people had praised me for singing and reaching that pitchy high notes of Celine Dion and who else's songs. I was naive and confident of myself singing in front of many people, though nervous. 

The real "IDEAL"

Someone, a boy or a girl, has told me that I can't literally have a boyfriend because of having too many ideals and such. I have think of too much after hearing that though. But, end up that having no boyfriend is not really a big deal to me.

Crushes is where I exist. It helped me a lot with my high school years, especially K-Pop guys. They were the reasons why I never give up and continue with life until I have graduated from high school. Seriously, during my freshman year in college, my schedule made me insane, it made me a little bit lazy and probably lazy to wake up early. However, I never failed a subject which I am happy with. Btw, I also have a lot of crushes in my university, since there were a lot of them in a university, yes wasn't able to stop myself from mentioning them and stalking some of them.

Crisis

It is really hard for me to attach myself onto something or to someone for so long. I'd probably have trust issues. I'd also probably have constant change of interests. Aye?

For sure, I don't fully understand myself yet.

[PHOTOS]
My highest scores so far (screenshot from yesterday)