I'm sick of this life!!! I feel so humiliated by myself greatly. Definitely people already sees me as that stupid girl who doesn't know anything. Well, I accept this as a consequence. Though, I don't know how can I accept my family's torn faces if I fail at this.
I'm basically taking up a dayum pre-law course (Alumni from it are expected to take up law as a profession) and now on my second year in the university. My first choice was engineering, but failing multiple times during entrance exams, I gave up.
The only degree program or course on my mind, when I was in the peak of choosing where to go, was engineering. Nothing else comes to my mind.
Sometimes, I want to take Physical Therapy. Sometimes, go to Psychology. And sometimes, shift to any other programs. My mind is unsure and disoriented. Shifting to another college or course never happened. I felt like I'll just take Legal Management, as my mother took up Foreign Service when she was in college. She wasn't good at it, but graduated. That's where I based my life now. I won't shift, just graduate. However, times get so crucial. Yesterday, I've learned a lesson from my professor in a law subject. I was called for recitation, but wasn't able to answer. Admittedly, I didn't read everything well, especially the cases given, but I understand mostly what I've read. I know I was prepared enough before coming to school and even while waiting for the professor, but I was wrong. When he roll-called five people, sadly, I was one. Suddenly my mind blocked. I was even reading while waiting for the others to answer, but it never stayed on my mind. I was panicking and nervous. My professor got annoyed, so out of five, three of those standing was asked to just sit, and I was one of them again. While sitting, I felt so embarrassed and at least heard some encouragements from my classmates. Someone even asked me, "You've read, right?" I was like, "Fuck, yes!!!", but didn't really say that, just a sad and a weary, "yes."
The class ended with my professor's reminder and sharing of taking up law or a pre-law. What he have said was really discouraging --- of staying at this course I'm taking. I know he was indirectly telling me, so he just told the whole class, not to maybe hurt feelings or what. Yet, I was already feeling so down, though I know it was my fault. He got me the idea of just shifting to another one and not waste time and money.
Money is a huge term for me, since I hate the fact that my parents spend too much just to be in a well-known university. I don't even like the idea of having a debut party. Feels like not pursuing the debut thing won't make my parents happy, so I'm confused. What more, shifting to another course? My parents and the whole clan expect me to attend law school and just graduate in this pre-law course. So yeah, I don't know what to do now. Suicide? No. Even though, it was popping on my mind but disappearing. I won't kill MYSELF.
I've really learned that law isn't for me. I'm not good a reciting, memorizing, etc. Also, a lot of people have said that I should be in Psychology. I always observe and analyze people. Good idea?
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